I’ve found myself with so much to say that I’ve floundered a bit about where to start. I have lots to process and plenty of insights that may be of dubious worth to anyone else but me, but I guess today I’ll talk about beliefs.

I am a master of negative self talk. People think I’m joking when I say self-loathing is my default state, but I’m not and it is. Now, I’ve learned to deal with myself over the years (that counseling degree ought to be good for something) and I was also gifted with a heaping helping of resilience, but this is a struggle that will probably never completely go away for me. Joy and optimism are deliberate choices that I make on a daily basis. I have to be very careful about the narrative that I allow to run through my head. My mind is a liar. I know my mind is a liar, but it still tricks me sometimes.

What types of things does my lying mind say? Some of you have probably heard these before, too:

• I’m ugly
• I’m repulsive
• No one likes me
• No one could love me OR No one will ever love me for long
• I’m a horrible person
• I’m the worst friend
• I’m a failure
• I’ll never be able to do this OR I’ll never be as good as so-and-so

Doesn’t that make you feel bad just reading it? It made me feel bad typing it, and I’m being objective right now rather than all up in my feelings. Of course, you’re going to feel bad if you talk to yourself like you hate yourself!

The worst part isn’t even necessarily when my mind tells me “you can’t.” Far more insidious are the whispers of “so what?” or “what will it matter?” or “nothing I do will make a difference” because those phrases take away hope.

Look, it’s not hopeless. You’re not hopeless. I’m not hopeless. Our minds are LIARS. That type of all-or-nothing, catastrophizing, demanding perfection, personalizing everything, etc., that is irrational thinking. Irrational thinking helps no one. Irrational thinking will sabotage your efforts and damage your relationships.

There’s a type of therapy called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy or REBT. It helps people learn how to self-manage their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by deconstructing them and teaches people how to change. REBT says that the way we think about events and the meanings we give them affect how we feel and behave, and if you know you’re doing that, you have the tools to fight. If you know the pattern, you can break the pattern = one of my favorite sayings.

So, how does it work? Break what you’re experiencing down into a few component parts:
A = Activating Event
Some horrible, traumatic, damaging, whatever experience, or even a fairly innocuous one, that triggers you to form an irrational belief.

B = Beliefs (these could be rational or irrational)
The beliefs that you use to cope with the event. How are you explaining the event to yourself? Sometimes having a negative belief, or making up a negative reason that something happened, is easier than having no idea at all why it happened.

C = Consequences (emotional and behavioral)
The consequences of your irrational belief. They could be emotional, behavioral, or both. What are you doing because you believe what you believe? Think hard here: do your reactions and these consequences serve you? Do they help you grow in any kind of meaningful way? Is this what you want? Is this how you want to feel?

D = Disputing
Questioning and arguing against your irrational beliefs and your assumptions. Where’s the evidence that what you believe is true? Keep asking that question. I think it’s a pretty damn powerful question.

E = More Effective Ways to Think, Feel, Behave
Now that you have countered your irrational beliefs, hopefully you will develop new, more positive, and more functional beliefs and consequences based in rational thought. These will help you be more resilient, more hopeful, and they’ll help you act and grow in the ways that you want to.

Accept yourself as you are and move forward from there. My thoughts and feelings are certainly real to me, but they do not always reflect the actual reality of my situation. I’ve learned to confront myself and to ask, “Mind, where’s the evidence that these things you say are true?” Typically, my mind can’t give me that. Not when I break it down and keep asking and keep pushing. The argument falls apart because it’s not true. And even if some piece of the argument is true, well, so what? Flaws aren’t irreversible. People who keep trying aren’t irredeemable. I have to believe that.

Sometimes you will be the only one who’s going to believe in you, and that’s okay. Sometimes you will be incapable of believing in yourself, and you’ll have to rely on others to carry you along and help you dispute your lying mind. That’s also okay. The continued movement is the important part. Momentum broken is momentum that will be a struggle to regain. Been there, done that, bought that t-shirt. Honestly, I’ll probably buy a few more before my time has fully run its course. Like I said, I know this stuff, and I still have trouble sometimes.

But get up. Keep getting up. Keep trying. Fall down seven times, get up eight. Maybe try a different approach or change the goal a bit if what you’re doing just isn’t working, but don’t give up. Fight those inclinations to tell yourself it won’t work or you’re not worth it. You are worth it, and if you push hard enough, something is going to change.